Miss Baltimore Crabs

In which we further sing the praises of Bad Girl Supreme, Miss Baltimore Crabs 1945 herself, Velma Von Tussle.

Those poor runner-ups

might still hold some grudges.

They padded their cups,

but I screwed the judges.

— Velma Von Tussle

By all accounts, Hairspray’s resident villainess Velma Von Tussle is a reprehensible character. She’s snide, condensing, conniving, and bigoted. Yet, in the 2007 film, as portrayed by my all time favorite actor and eternal crush Michelle Pfeiffer, she’s also a total smoke show with legs to die for and who’s not opposed to screwing her way to the top. In other words, it wasn’t her sparkling personality that won her the title of Miss Baltimore Crabs in 1945, it was her bod built for sin. In other, other words, she’s HAWT.

Velma is delicious because she’s Michelle at her haughty hottest. Duh. While my brain tells me that in real life I would find Velma’s personality a turn off, my crotch is definitely feeling otherwise. As the world’s foremost Pfeifferologist, don’t think I haven’t spent copious amounts of time and brain power putting together lists of “Hottest Pfeiffer Characters,” and Velma always appears on all permutations of said lists. Every single thing she does, even the not-so-nice stuff, is volcanic lava hot. I mean, look at this hand-on-hip, simmering-rage-on-face lewk she shoots like a freshly sharpened dagger:

Velma, please. Yell at me. Hurt me. Do whatever you want to me!

Wait, so you’re still mad at me, Velma? Oh, thank gawd. Let me have it, and don’t hold back!

In other words, I’d let Michelle-as-Velma absolutely ruin me. Wouldn’t you??

For more slobbering all over Velma and her luscious body, check out this link to her entry in the Bad Girls We Love series from a few years ago, followed by some scintillating shots of our beloved nasty girl.