When I sat down to watch The Toxic Avenger double feature on USA Up All Night in either 1991 or 1992, I had no idea the level of batshit crazy that lay in store for me. A quick note: I say 1991 or 1992 because I’m finding conflicting dates online and, sadly, my total recall ain’t what it used to be, folks. Either way, I was there, just like I was every Friday, plopped on the couch, ready for another night of ogling Rhonda Shear and watching some healthy, wholesome trash cinema. That Friday’s cult jam came courtesy of Lloyd Kaufman’s Troma Entertainment. Up All Night and Troma went together like peanut butter and chocolate (“You got your Troma in my Rhonda!”). The series is where I first discovered some of Troma’s best cinematic achievements, including the Toxic Avenger films and the gleefully insane Class of Nuke ‘Em High. I still remember sitting in shock at an early scene in The Toxic Avenger where a child is intentionally run over by a car full of cartoonishly evil bullies. It was shocking because I don’t think I’d ever seen a child’s death played for laughs. Yikes. I quickly learned that night that Troma gave no fucks, and that their best films were lude and crude satires that took no prisoners.
I’m not really here to talk at length about Troma or The Toxic Avenger and The Toxic Avenger Part II, though. I’m only really talking about Part II today, plus Part III, which I saw soon afterwards, also on Up All Night. I’ll save thoughts on the films themselves for another piece more dedicated to a movie-review-type format, because this piece definitely isn’t that. No, this is all about lavishing an obscene amount of praise on one of the stars of Part II and III. You see, not only was that 1991 (or ‘92) viewing of Up All Night my introduction to Toxie, it was also my first exposure to the leggy live-wire Phoebe Legere. And boy did she ever expose herself to me!
Yowza!
Unbeknownst to me at the time, Phoebe was an incredibly accomplished pioneer in the New York underground music scene. A Julliard-trained composer, multi-instrumentalist, painter, poet, actor, filmmaker, singer with a four-octave vocal range, and all-around punk goddess, Legere’s life and career have intersected at various times with other legends like Andy Warhol, Keith Haring, Alan Ginsberg, David Bowie, Abel Ferrara, Willem Dafoe, and more. She’s a born performer, a born artist, and she sure is easy on the eyes, too. She’s a very sexy woman. A sensual delight, a total smokeshow, if you will, and the sort of woman you want to meet in the backseat of a cab after you’ve both had a few shots of tequila, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
In other words, she’s HOT.
During that first viewing of The Toxic Avenger Part II, I was instantly smitten with Legere. This was the first of her back-to-back costarring roles as Toxie’s hot blind girlfriend Claire (not to be confused with Toxie’s hot blind girlfriend Sara from the first film), as she returns in Part III; the two films were shot as one and split into two releases in 1989, because Troma knows how to save money while still making quality products.
My Phoebe infatuation is easy to explain. First of all, there’s Phoebe’s performance, which is honestly unlike any I’ve seen, before or since. It’s wild. She’s in her own orbit. I mean, this babe is out there. And it’s glorious to behold. She’s all kinetic energy, a whirling dervish of crazy facial expressions and spastic body movements. It’s not simply a performance, it’s a work of art. She plays Claire’s blindness by staring wide-eyed into space and constantly groping at the air (when she’s not groping Toxie’s irradiated package, that is). She contains multitudes: she’s beautiful and sexy and sweet and daffy and funny and horny and adorable and so much more. To this day, Claire is one of my favorite B-movie characters, thanks to Legere’s absolutely one-of-a-kind commitment to the role across both films.
Beyond the extraordinary performance, Legere also leaves a lasting impression as Claire because, well, see my earlier statement: “In other words, she’s HOT.” Claire is officially the Best Girlfriend of All Time, and that’s largely due to how enthusiastically committed Legere is to the part. And by “enthusiastically committed” I mean Legere puts her all into banging Toxie’s brains out during epic boffing sessions that seem to go on for days. Watching Legere giddily go down on Toxie is simply breathtaking. Okay, okay, calm down, because this isn’t a porno, we don’t actually see anything, but it’s still super hot watching Legere’s head bouncing up and down underneath the bed sheets.
Claire loves radioactive penis, and she loves satisfying her monster-man. Legere sells it all with extreme gusto. She’s constantly hot and bothered, an eccentric sexual inferno ready to blow at any moment (and boy can she blow). When Legere isn’t busy getting busy, she’s showcasing her spectacular stems in nearly every single scene. Claire’s outfits are iconic, thanks to her propensity for wearing only white panties, white stockings, and high heels. She bangs Toxie’s brains out while wearing those white panties, white stockings, and high heels. She even makes Toxie’s favorite meal while wearing those white panties, white stockings, and high heels: Chicken à la Clorox (you read that right). Make no mistake, her leggy appeal is on full, glorious display in those silky smooth white nylons. Legere’s legs are the kind of appendages that make you believe in the afterlife. If those perfect pins can exist, then anything’s possible. I mean, the word “leg” is right there in her name: Legere. The woman is a leg show of epic proportions.
Legere is no one-trick pony, though. Besides two sexy legs, she also has one really sexy mouth too. Claire spends most of the film with that sexy mouth agape, a perpetually excited O face that brings to mind fantasies involving Legere sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Okay, look, I know, we’re starting to veer into Patty Mullen in Doom Asylum territory here, where I blither on obsessively for paragraph after paragraph about what a stone cold fox Legere is. But sometimes all you can do as a writer is let the story lead you to its truth. In this case, Phoebe Legere’s luscious, drool-worthy legs and her seductively naughty mouth are the story’s truth. I’m completely helpless here. This is all Phoebe Legere’s doing.
There’s an incredible scene in Part II where Claire and the evil Malfaire get into an absolutely epic catfight. Malfaire is played by the deliciously long-legged smokeshow Lisa Gaye, who also turns in a memorable performance, just like she did in Class of Nuke ‘Em High. Watching these two lingerie-and-stockings-clad babes rolling around and pulling hair for several minutes was in many ways a very formative moment for anyone with a pulse back then. Hell, it still is today. It’s the sort of formative moment that people write songs about, or dedicate monuments to. There was life before Phoebe Legere and Lisa Gaye rolled around together in their underwear for five minutes, and then there was life after Phoebe Legere and Lisa Gaye rolled around together in their underwear for five minutes. You’re a changed person after that. Trust me on this.
While I’d love to say I formulated all of these eloquent opinions on Phoebe Legere and her stone-cold foxiness back in the early nineties when I first met her, thanks to Up All Night, that would be a lie. I wasn’t nearly as eloquent as a teenager, nothing like I am now, when I can so easily string together such profound and poetic language as, “Legere also has a really sexy mouth. Claire spends most of the film with that sexy mouth agape, a perpetually excited O face that brings to mind fantasies involving Legere sucking the chrome off a trailer hitch, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.” Still, even without that erudite eloquence at my disposal, teenage me still knew a fine piece of ass when it was standing right in front of him, and Phoebe Legere was indeed a fine piece of ass right standing right in front of me that night in 1991 (or ‘92), and I most certainly noticed. It was quite a momentous night, actually, going from mega-hot blonde nylon goddess Rhonda Shear during the interstitial segments…
…to mega-hot blonde nylon goddess Phoebe Legere during the film, back and forth for two hours, until I was ready to explode. Oh who am I kidding, I exploded several times during that film, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The only thing that could’ve made that night any better would’ve been if Phoebe dropped by Rhonda’s boudoir for a visit during the Up All Night segments. Although it’s probably for the best she didn’t. That much silky-smooth-nylon-and-peroxide-blonde hotness together at one time would’ve given me a heart attack.
Phoebe Legere has alway seemed to fully comprehend her capacity for driving fans wild. She once said during an interview that “Girls and guys chase me down the street, they stare at me in restaurants, they look at my legs, they fantasize about my nipples, they want to touch my hair and lick me and kiss me, they get me all turned on. I don’t have much time to have sex with everybody. Being a composer and a painter I have to work 24/7.” Basically Phoebe just described me every time I watch her in The Toxic Avenger movies. Or whenever I see her 1988 Playboy spread. She turns us on, and we turn her on by being turned on by her. What a beautiful cycle of life right there. Phoebe Legere is a goddess, and we’re not worthy.
Wanting to see if my precious late night memories of Phoebe Legere still held weight today, I recently revisited her iconic work in The Toxic Avenger films. What a joy it was to be back in Phoebe Legere’s and Toxie’s company again. These movies are an absurdist delight. They’re all a little longer than they need to be—many of Toxie’s hilarious and gruesome fight scenes with various evildoers go on for way too long—but whenever Phoebe convulses her way into a scene while wearing nothing but a tight halter top, pink panties, and white stockings fastened ever so delicately by garter belts resting against her beautiful, milky white thighs, well, all sins are forgiven. I love when an actor goes for the gold in a movie that most wouldn’t consider worth the effort, and few have ever gone for it with more unbridled enthusiasm than Phoebe Legere does in these films. She’s epic, in every way.
Thanks for the late night memories, Phoebe.
The Starfire Lounge 
