My favorite Christmas movies are not ones that your standard normies would choose. No It’s a Wonderful Life in my top five or even ten. Instead, and to give you an idea of how I roll, my two favorite Christmas movies are Batman Returns (1992) and Black Christmas (1974). Clearly, I like my Yuletide cinema a little more dark, twisted, and subversive than most. Spike the eggnog, I say. I’ve always been left of the dial with my tastes, and these films satisfy that craving at Christmas time. So, I make sure to watch them every December, often multiple times each during the month. That’s how much I love them.
While revisiting Batman Returns recently—and after swooning over Michelle Pfeiffer’s jaw dropping performance, of course—I started thinking about how every moment in the film feels iconic to me. That’s likely I’ve watched it so many times that I’ve internalized whole scenes and dialogue. The movie is simply a part of me now. I’m also struck by how beautiful the film looks. From set designs to cinematography, Batman Returns is absolutely goregous. I love spending two hours in this magnificently realized world. The gothic design of Gotham City from Burton’s first Batman movie was wondwerful, but the Christmas setting of Batman Returns is even more eye catching.
It’s also a supremely horny film, certainly the horniest superhero film ever made (thanks to my screenwriting social media pal Daniel Waters!). Every scene and innuendo-laiden line of dialogue between Michelle Pfeiffer’s Catwoman and Michael Keaton’s Batman feels sexually charged. Pfeiffer and Keaton, who had previously been a real-life couple, are incredibly hot together in these scenes, both in costume and in their secret identities as Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne. Then there’s Danny DeVito as the horndog Penguin. “I’d like to fill her void” is a line I’m still stunned made it into a DC movie. When a young, hot voter breathlessly tells the portly, disfigured Gotham mayoral candidate, “You’re the coolest rolde model a young person could have,” the Penguin replies, “You’re the hottest young person a role model could have,” then sticks a campaign button on her ample bosom while groping and manhandling her.
I appreciate a Christmas movie with a skewed sense of humor, and Batman Returns has as wickedly dark one. The holidays are teeming with black humor everywhere you look—you just need to be tuned in to the lunacy to see it. Daniel Waters and Tim Burton were tuned in alright when it came to collaborating on this film. Not only is Batman Returns the horniest superhero movie ever made, it’s also the most subversive, and for that, I’ll always cherish it. The film proves without a shadow of a doubt that you can make a movie with these DC characters that captures the same sense of fun as the comics. Yes, it’s incredibly dark, but it’s also an absolute blast. Name me a more entertaining film. You can’t! That’s a big reason why it warrants regular repeat viewings. In fact, I think I’ll watch it again now, even though I just watched it a few days ago. For me, nothing says cozy Christmas comfort better than Batman Returns.
The Starfire Lounge 